A Mommy's Mentalities

Christmas Chronicles

2011-12-26T22:28:00.000-06:00

Thought I'd better try and write down as much as I could about Camden's Christmas before I forget. Let's see...
Christmas Eve we went over to mom and dad's in the afternoon. We made cookies and pudding and hung out with family. The West Coast Davis' showed up and it was so good to see them. Took Camden a little bit of time to warm up but by Monday he was wrapped around their fingers. We went to church for the Candle light Service. That's usually when I cry, during Silent Night, but this year I played hand chimes so somehow made it through. Camden loved seeing Uncle Earl and Aunt Miriam singing in the choir with Bop Bop. Then it was back to Marmee's house for dinner and some gifts. He was so excited to sit on the big new table with everyone. And then when he got his gifts from Annemarie and Maura he was more than happy to ham it up. He did not want to go home. So checked to see where Santa was, Virginia, and told him we needed to hurry home and get to bed before Santa got there. That was all it took, he was running out the front door, no shoes, no jacket, no mom and dad - just running for the car. "We got to hurry! We got to beat Santa!" It was very cute! He started to get upset b/c people in our neighborhood had their lights on so he was saying Santa wouldn't come because they were still up. We told him it was ok, he would come to our house if we were asleep, he'd just skip the other people's houses. Him sleeping that night was the best/funniest part. He and Keven wrote Santa a letter and left him candy and milk and he went to bed. In his room, in his bed, with his door closed. He NEVER likes to sleep in his room and definitely doesn't close his door. He kept telling us we better lock our door too so Santa will come. So he went right to bed. Now, usually around 2 or 3 AM he comes into our room. He didn't do that. I figured he was very tired. So, about 8 I got up to let the dogs out and I hear his small voice from down the hall..."Mom? Mom? Are you awake?" Yup. "Can I come out?" LOL. He had been awake and wouldn't come out of his room til we were up and it was ok. I asked him if he'd been awake long...he said he was in bed then got on the floor and then back in bed and then back on the floor. :)

So, out to see what Santa left. He was SO excited that Santa ate his candy and left our key under his plate. He took things out of his stocking one at a time and loved them all! What was funny was there was some doublemint gum and it had Captain America on it, so whenever people ask him what he got from Santa, he says Captain America gum. Never mind the books, candy, T-rex from Toy Story... :) Actually he does like the T-rex too. He had a Belle ornament in his stocking - b/c he always joke around about Beauty and the Beast - he says Booty and the Beast - not sure he's ever seen the movie...but so he got Belle. When he pulled it out he laughed and said Santa messed up, that was for his little sister. :) So, hung around the house a bit and then headed to Marmee and Bop Bop's. Then all the family came. From San Antonio, West coast and East coast. Camden had a BLAST! He got to help pass out all the presents, he saw all his cousins and played. Lots of food, family and fun. Just like holidays should be!! He had fun talking about his note to Santa and sleeping in his room and the Capt. America gum. Before Annemarie and Maura showed up he kept asking when his friends were going to get there. Trying to remember what other funny things he did but can't think of them...he had a blast and did so well with everyone and everything.

Monday Camden slept late, which he needed! Then he was singing some in his sleep. Frosty the snowman. So funny. Then we had family pictures. 22 of us. Camden wouldn't cooperate at the beginning. He wasn't wanting to participate. But he warmed up a little after a bit and we took a bunch of pictures. I can't wait to see them! Then we went to Chuy's and he quickly jumped to the table with Annemarie and Maura. Then off to Austin's park and pizza. We walked in and he wanted to find his friends (his 5 cousins) He wanted to follow them around all night and did a pretty good job of it. So much fun! Games, putt putt, go-karts, chasing cousins. In the car afterwards Keven asked if Camden liked his cousins. He said yes. Keven asked if he liked one the most - he said Annemarie and Maura (definitely a ladies man) - then he said he loves all his cousins. Keven asked if he wanted to go home with them. He said no. I said maybe we could go visit. He said Maybe we can. :) He's heard that once or twice ;) Currently he's off at the Zilker tree with the East Coast Davis' and dad. Having a blast I'm sure.

He has been so wonderful this whole Christmas weekend. So excited about the lights, the music, Santa..especially Santa. And no naps, and lots of sugar - and no major melt downs. He was truly amazing! Should say IS truly amazing.

Holiday Heartache

2011-12-24T01:22:00.000-06:00

I miss my girl constantly. But for whatever reason the holidays are even harder. Maybe because I should be shopping for 2 kids instead of 1. Maybe because she was the cutest Santa. Maybe because it's about the birth of Jesus and wonderful things and all I can think about is missing her. Or the guilt I feel about being sad for her and should be happy for Camden. Guilty for feeling badly when so many other people have lost so much more than I, and I am truly blessed. Camden is talking a lot about her and sometimes I feel badly about that. I mean, I love it, very bittersweet. I'm glad he knows her, loves her, thinks about her...but am I doing him a disservice by talking about her so much? I sure hope not. I sure hope he never feels he's in her shadow. I hope he knows how incredibly special he is and loved and how blessed we are to have him. Here are some of the comments he's made lately...

Shopping for the Giving Tree at church, we had an 8 month old little girl, Camden "I want a little sister. We could get her those pajamas"

At Wal-Mart we walked past an end cap of all these baby dolls - "I want a sister. And when she gets bigger I'll buy her this doll" A lot of times he says he wants a brother because he already has a sister. I would love for him to have both - a brother and another sister.

The 2 that hurt the most, but also meant the most to me...He called me into the other room today to show me a picture of Grace. He pointed to a picture of him and his 2 cousins and said the youngest was Grace. I explained who they were and reminded him. He got very upset and said he wanted Grace in the picture with him! That hurts..hurts me because he obviously hurts and because I'd love that too.

Then tonight my mom was telling someone that her (my mom's) dog had died in April. Camden said she went up to Heaven. We all agreed. Then he said when he gets to Heaven he gets to play with Grace. And with God. He had mentioned that before. That it wasn't fair and that he wanted to go to Heaven and play with her. I told him he will someday, but hopefully not soon, I need him here with me for now. And he's right, it's not fair. He should have his big sister here with him. They would be having so much fun! He asked one time how she got to Heaven...I don't remember what I said...maybe by becoming an Angel....he decided she drove her power chair up there. :)

He is so excited about Christmas. It's so much fun watching him. He liked it last year, but this year he is getting into all of it. The music, the lights, Santa, family...it's so much fun. So I'm trying to focus on him. And I do...but it doesn't take my thoughts from her. Here's a candle lighting ritual we do on Christmas Eve. I forget where we got it from or I'd give proper acknowledgement. Thought I'd share though as it works for any loved ones.

It's 4 candles and usually 5 of my family members read. I read if I can...
1 -"As we light these candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories and one for our love."
2 - Light 1st candle - "The light of this candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you."
3 - Light 2nd candle - "The light of this candle represents our courage to confront our sorrow; to comfort each other; to change our lives."
4 - Light 3rd candle - "This candle is a light ot all of our memories of you. To the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, the caring and joy you gave us."
5 - Light 4th candle - "This candle is the light of our love. As we enter the holiday season, day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We are thankful for the gift your life brought to each of us. We love you always"

I love both my beautiful children! I am so incredibly thankful for them both and blessed by them both. I just wish I had both here with me, however selfish that is.

In need of Angels

2011-11-13T22:54:00.000-06:00

Grace. I love you and I miss you. And right now I need you. And your friends. And not just for me but for so many people down here. There has been too much heartache in the past week for too many families. It's not right and it's not fair and it just really stinks! Please surround us all with your love and protection and help us to get through this too. I love you baby girl!

Top 10 lessons this weekend/birthday party (and all by 2:00 on Sunday)

2011-10-30T15:50:00.000-05:00

10 - This year's flu vaccine will give Keven the flu - fever, chills, sweats and all
9 - Buy bowls when Chris is bringing his delicious homemade ice cream
8 - Remember to replace battery in doorbell before the party so it works when people arrive
7 - Be sure to refill the chip bowl so people will keep eating all the queso
6 - Take more pictures
5- Don't put the men in charge of the gift opening if you want a list of who brought what gift
4 - Buy fly paper when having a backyard party with the door open
3 - Keep the bounce house over night so you can jump off some of the calories from the party the day before
2 - Camden needs a sibling to play with the day after his party when I'm too exhausted to play any more
1 - Don't tell a 4 year old to let you rest for 10 minutes and point to a digital clock and tell him what numbers to watch for to know when those 10 minutes are up. He will then tell you continuously when the numbers change to the next one and then talk about how they look like different numbers depending on how you look at them and...

The 2 things that make all that and more worthwhile -
"That was a fun party mom!" and "I like being 4" :)

I sure love that boy!

Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?

2011-10-22T08:42:00.000-05:00

Edgar Allan Poe.
Dreams are an interesting and amazing thing.

"I have a dream..."
"A dream is a wish your heart makes..."
"Dream weaver" :)

There are so many different types of dreams. Dreams for yourself...what you want out of life. Things you hope to do and see and be part of. What do you want to be when you grow up? What's on your bucket list?

Dreams for your children...what will they do when they grow up? What interests will they have? What will they look like and be like?

The dreams we're all embarrassed to have...dreams of wealth, power, beauty, fame...

And then what are dreams anyways? You can't touch them, smell them, feel them...You can't guarantee they'll happen. And then when they don't happen...you're crushed. You can control up to a point but when the dreams are snatched away there isn't anything you can do. Sometimes they slowly fade away as we grasp at everything we can to try and hold onto them.

What started all this with dreams? The very weird dream I had last night. And that's another type of dream. The ones of our subconscious. The ones we have no control over and then try to sort out and make sense of. Are they things our mind think of and we're afraid to see except when we're asleep? Or is it someone/something trying to speak to us? Or is it residual of things we've seen/heard/done during the day. I find the subconscious interesting. Something we can't control...has a "mind" of it's own.

So, I know...you're curious about the dream. It was very odd. I was in NYC with family and friends. That's not odd...been there done that. [Get to again in April ;)] We sat down to eat and one friend kept asking to borrow things. I would give them and we'd keep eating. But then they asked for something I didn't have with me. It was back at the hotel. So, I said I would go get it. Off I went by myself to get back to the hotel and get this item. I was going to meet them at the underground mall in an hour for the half off sale. Sounds pretty normal so far...but then when I went to get the stuff I was driving Grace's power chair. I didn't need it, perfectly capable of walking or taking a cab or whatever, but there I was driving her power chair up and down the streets of New York. (She did like New York - and the subways). Then I got lost on some side streets - couldn't figure out where the hotel was. Kept wondering, trying to figure out where to go. Started walking, well riding the chair, with some teenager. Then there was an amusement park next to us. But it only had 2 roller coasters and nothing else. We got to a part of the street where we had to go down, so I was going to take the elevator. By this point I was making it clear to people I didn't need the chair, but that was the easiest way to transport it. Just to drive it - those things are heavy when you try to push them. So we get in the elevator and then it was more like a vehicle. There were several of us in there...waiting, not moving....I was of course irritated that we weren't going anywhere. I had a place to be! Some military personnel got on and we were all just waiting. Then some bad people got on. They were military from another country. They started with the officer of our military - started beating him. Then the other military people. The 2 ladies next to me decided they were going to try and sneak away...I tried to tell them they shouldn't..they got out and were immediately grabbed. I was next. They grabbed me. Picked me up as I was kicking and screaming and begging them to stop. They turned me like a battling ram and were running about to run me head on into a wall and I woke up. WHAT????

What in the world is all that?? I watched sitcoms before I fell asleep. It doesn't make any sense to me what so ever.

So, dreams. Extremely powerful. They drive us...what we want, what we see. They slow us down...when we're not sure what they are or our next step. They give us hope and desires. And they crush us at times. Just so incredibly interesting.

"Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?"

How much ache can one heart take

2011-09-01T19:05:00.000-05:00

Hearts are quite the amazing organ. It keeps working after it's broken. And what I can't believe is that it can keep breaking. Isn't there some point where the heart can't break any more? I know, random question. Let me back up. A family just lost their 2 month old baby boy. They are an amazing couple and wonderful and my heart breaks for them. I attended the memorial today...at my church with my minister...1st funeral service at my church with my minister and for a child...that I've been to since Grace. It just ripped that scab right off my heart and all the pain came flooding back in. That hard time breathing, that ache in the chest and in the gut. It just hurts so bad. And then hurts extra b/c it's hurting for the family b/c unfortunately I can imagine the pain they feel. People say to me all the time they can't imagine what it must be like, what it feels like, how I do it, etc...I don't want people to imagine or understand. It hurts too much and I don't wish that on anyone. So to know it happens again...it just hurst and makes it fresh all over again. And in the same week we've had 2 more SMA diagnosis in Texas - breaking for those families that are realizing their worlds just got turned upside down like they never thought possible. One of BF had a miscarriage, which breaks my heart and starts all the why questions again. And the it's not fair thoughts again. My brother had to put his cat down (I know not quite the same but we'll just pile it on there). All this week. All on that little heart muscle. How does it keep going when it is so heavy and broken in so many pieces? And then I feel ridiculous for feeling so hurt b/c none of those losses are even mine. How selfish of me to be so upset by all of them when it's not even me. It's them. They are going through it, not me.

Nothing makes sense. Nothing. Chaos. If they are lessons to be learned I'm tired of learning. If what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger I'm strong enough. If God only gives us what we can handle I'd like him to trust me a little less. And at the same time I want to do more. I want to be more available. I want to help more people. But how do you do that when it breaks your heart every time too? I just don't know...no answers...just pain and questions....

2011-08-17T06:20:00.000-05:00

From a book I'm reading. It's talking about God's Grace, but it fits my Grace too (who is also God's Grace) - "Grace is the delivery of a jewel that nobody ordered, a burst of light in a room where everyone forgot it was dark."

5 years ago today my Angel returned to Heaven. I’m so thankful I had her as longs as I did. But miss her like crazy. Just as much today as ever. I’ve been reading old entries of mine and they still hold so true. The dates could easily be changed for today’s date and 5 years. So instead of writing it all again here’s a few old posts that are so true! Don’t want to read it all? The bottom line is I love Grace, am thankful for her and miss her! Also very thankful to have her little brother here with us. He too is Amazing!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Four weeks. Four weeks. Can't believe it's been four weeks. Sometimes it seems already four weeks and other times like only four weeks. I just can't believe that four weeks ago today you left us. You were so excited that morning when you woke up. I told you we were going to see Hannah. You were excited. You couldn't wait to go...kept saying bye so we would leave. You spilled your football juice on the floor but I knew before I handed you the cup that you would. :) I miss you so much. I still feel so much guilt and coulda, woulda's....I would do anything for you..even now...I wish I could turn back time...If I could just have that one day to do over again I would do it differently. I love you so much. When you left so did my heart and soul. I know you have lots of friends and family up there. I'm sure you and Sister Mac are having a great time, eating lots of ice cream and going on walks. But it sure is hard for us down here. You will always be my baby girl. I LOVE YOU!!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Two months. Two months today. Part of me feels like that was just yesterday and part of me feels like it was a lifetime ago. I guess it's both. It was definitely a different lifetime. It's not the same any more. Never will be again. Nothing has gotten easier. We miss you and love you so much. Pop and I are hanging in there. Thank goodness we have each other. We are blessed to have all the other friends and family we have too, but thank goodness we have each other. I love you sunshine. Always have, always will. Butterfly Kisses up to Heaven for you!!!

Friday, October 27, 2006

The fog still hasn't lifted. I move, I walk, I talk, but it is all automatic. There is little feeling. Sometimes the fog lifts and the feelings rush in. Then, all I can do is cry. It seems the only time I am real, reacting honestly, without guarding every word or look, I start to cry. When the fog lifts for a brief moment, it's as though someone just kicked me in the stomach. As I am reeling with the pain, my mind registers the core prevailing thought: Grace is gone. Grace is gone. When I can't stand the pain anymore, my mind goes back into neutral, back into the fog.

Friday, December 29, 2006

I just don't understand. It's just all so unfair. Why can mean, bad, corrupt, murderous people live for years and decades...and precious innocent Angels...you, Morgan, Kaitlin, Cole, Nathan, Sydney, Braden.. and so many more...are taken way too soon! It's just not fair and I don't understand! What I do know is I love you and miss you. You were amazing from the day we knew you were to be part of our lives. You changed us forever and will never be forgotten. I wish I could hold you again. I hope you are up there picking out the perfect little brother or sister for yourself. Nobody can ever replace you but hopefully we can share our love with another little one. Please tell them all about everyone down here and how much they are loved already. Tell them to call us Ada and Pop...and that their first word should be Poop :) I hope you are eating tons of mashed potatoes, ice cream, chocolate and juice. I hope you are happy. I love you and I miss you!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

I miss you so much. I hurt so much. I just want to hold you and kiss you. I want you to pull my hair and laugh about it. I want you to say "poop". You were the most perfect little girl in the world. I just don't understand and it's just not fair. I would do anything in the world for you. I would do anything in the world to be with you again. I love you so much and I miss you so much!

I have so many emotions about all of this. I'm scared to have another baby. I want one like crazy...have since before you were born...but I'm scared. Scared I won't love them enough...that I won't feel the same about them as you....that I will lose them too....that I won't be able to hold onto them because they will have so much strength and wiggle and squirm like you never did....scared that they will have SMA and I will have to lose another precious angel. I'm also scared that this won't work at all and we won't be pregnant. I'm not sure our hearts can handle that. And I don't really want to learn if they can or not. I'm also excited at the thought of having another little one...of having a baby to hold and love...of telling her little brother or sister all about you and how special you are and how lucky they are to have such a wonderful guardian angel as a big sister.

I have been lost since losing you. I was your mother. For once my life had importance and made since. I love being Pop's wife but he can do without me. You couldn't. I love you so much and felt the role of mother was my calling in life. I have felt so useless and not needed and just lost without you. No meaning for me. I'm ready to continue being a mom

August 17, 2011 - we still miss you Angel. I love you as much as ever. Thank you for sending us your wonderful little brother and watching over him so well. He will make you proud I know. I hope we do too. Love you then, now and always!

More Camdenisms and Summer Remorse

2011-08-14T22:57:00.000-05:00

I knew I wouldn't remember all of Camden's cute sayings. So here's a few more and a funny story.

Grink = drink

skrike=strike

gump = jump

kips = chips

mazagine = magazine

Top on = on top of. IE: "What's top on the car?" - What's on top of the car?
Beat up = beat. IE: eating dinner he finished his food first "Look mom I beat you up"

He is fighting bed time - has been for a few weeks. Just will NOT go to sleep. Tonight's stall tactic - he needs a drink. So he keeps asking for one, no we aren't giving him one and we're doing mostly ignoring. This goes on for quite some time 20/30 minutes. He asks again and Keven tells him "No, b/c if you have a drink now you win and you're not going to win" so of course he says "Yes, I want to win!" Still no drink. So more and more of this whining and wanting a drink and ignoring. Then a bit later "Hey mom? When dad goes to bed can you get me a drink?" :) Good thing he was in the other room so he didn't see us cracking up laughing. Still not asleep. Still needs a drink. His last try was about 10:15 when he asked if we were going to bed soon and we said yes and he said he'd get a drink after we both went to bed. Hmmmm...we shall see I suppose :)

Summer remorse - kind of like buyers remorse. Where did this summer go?!!! Why did I not get done a fraction of what I hoped to this summer??!! I had a good summer. Went on a couple of trips. Spent a lot of time with my wonderful boy, Camden. But that to-do list just didn't get to-done. That exercise and weight loss never took off. I've enjoyed being lazy and playing way too much. My piles around the house haven't gotten much smaller. I'm not ready to go back to work tomorrow! I'm not ready to wake up to the alarm clock instead of Camden kissing my cheek :) I'm not ready to be away from my boy for over 9 hours a day. I know, I'm lucky, I have the summer off (granted any teacher can tell you it's much needed and deserved - for students and teachers alike) But it's so hard to go back. To see all the stuff I didn't get done this summer. I know...negative nancy...cheer up. It'll be fine and good and life goes on. But it just feels like summer remorse and I had to let it out :)

And since it's now almost 11 PM and my child is STILL up and we do have an early morning tomorrow...guess I better go to bed.

Camdenisms

2011-08-10T20:14:00.000-05:00

August Depression has reared its ugly head and completely sunk it’s teeth into me. No good! I just want to crawl into a cave full of chocolate, coke and fried food and drool as I flip channels aimlessly on the TV. So, to try and counteract that I thought I would reflect upon some Camdenisms. :) Things/words Camden says that we love the way he says them. Or little stories that have tickled us. It’ll be good documentation for him too. I’ll start with his word and then translate. :) See how many I can remember.

Flou Ball/Flou tip = Foul Ball/Foul Tip

Nuffin = Nothing

Sumpen = Something

Mr. Kratz = Mr. Pratz

Ms. Alinda = Ms. Melinda

Riv Room = Living Room

Agamas (hard G)= Pajamas

Gen (hard G) = Jen

Driving down the road…”Why does daddy know how to drive fast?” Me “Because he’s a male” Camo “Why is he a male” Me “Because of his chromosomes” Snickering from the back seat – “Chromosomes, that’s a funny word”

Camo “What kind of car does God drive?” Me “I don’t know” Camo “We can just look it up on-line”

He wanted to watch a movie in my car - I don't have a player. He said Marmee has one in her car why I don't have one. I said I'm not as cool as Marmee. He said Is Marmee cool? I said yup. He asked if he was cool. I said yup. He said if he's cool then I should have one in my car for him. Uh oh...

Me: Do you need to go potty before we leave? Camo: Why? Was I doing the potty dance?

At a later date he was moving around and I asked if he needed to go to the bathroom. His response – No, I wasn’t doing the potty dance I was just moving. See I was doing this…the potty dance is like this…

Deep thoughts..."My God made bathrooms all around the world. If 1 is locked we can just go to another. That's awesome".

Miss IncrediGirl = Mrs. Incredible (from the Incredibles)

On a ride at Disney he was standing up. We asked him to sit down and he asked why. Because you need to be safe and have a seat. No, but I just standing up. :) Goober!

He’s been talking a lot about Grace lately and asking lots of questions about her. It’s so bittersweet. I’m glad he is though. He’s been asking a lot about God too. I don’t know if it’s because it’s August so she’s around even more…or if it’s because he’s getting older and trying to understand/comprehend…I think it’s both. He asked the other day what was on top of my leg – I finally figured out he was talking about the knee cap. He asked me why we had those – to help us move our legs. So he started moving his and asked if Grace moved hers too. We’ve talked about her disease and her chair and everything. I told him she tried and she could do it pretty well in the water. He liked that.

Because I had told him God was around us all the time he later asked why God was so big. And was he nice and why is he nice. He’s asked why Grace had a disease, why did she die.

“I love you mom. You’re a good mommy. You’re a cute little girl”

I know he has said a lot more cute things but that’s all I can think of for now. I love that boy. And his big sister too!

I HATE AUGUST

2011-08-05T15:53:00.000-05:00

If you haven't heard me say that before, I'm schocked. Because I HATE AUGUST! I know, very negative, and we shouldn't use the word hate and blah blah blah...and there are a lot of wonderful people (including friends and family) that were born in August, so no offense to them, but still...It's hot (hotter this year than ever before), school starts and Grace died. I've been re-reading old updates and blogs - from her webpage, from 2006/2007. It's weird to read my own thoughts back...to read what I was thinking. Especially since a lot of it I still feel - not all the time and not as strongly but still feel...it's still there. I know she's still with us. I know she's always with us. She sends us signs - and have been more frequent lately. Maybe b/c it's August. I'm glad she's with us. But it's not the same and just not good enough. I can't touch her, feel her, smell her, see her, hear her...not fair. She visited me Wednesday. We met Lee and Hannah at the zoo in Waco. She greeted us at the front of the aquarium part (she loved fish, water and aquariums) - beautiful orange butterfly just hanging out around the front entrance. It was nice of her to stop by. :) It was also nice because Lee re-told me 2 events. She had told them to me before, I know, it all sounded familiar but I had forgotten. And I won't be able to tell them exactly right - Lee would have to - but you'll get the idea. It just proves the innocence and connection that children have. We were in Ft. Worth when Grace died. The hospital we rushed to was near their house. So of course they came and with Hannah. Lee went out to the waiting room to be with Hannah - Hannah was Grace's age, so almost 2 1/2 years old. She was playing in the little playhouse in the waiting room and said Grace was there. She said she saw Grace in the waiting room. She told Lee the Angels had taken Grace. That Grace had gone with them. She wasn't promted for this information or asked, she just said it...she knew...she saw...she felt. That's just amazing to me! Then they came down for Grace's funeral. Lee was talking to Hannah and telling her there would be a lot of people at our house and some would be crying and be sad. And Hannah told her she knew and it was ok. Lee asked her what she meant. She said it was ok, that Grace was ok, that the man came and got her. Some man came and took Grace home and it was ok. Children are amazing. And I totally believe she saw the Angels and the man. It helps some. And hurts some too. But helps mostly. I miss our Angel. I am thankful everyday for her and thankful for every day I had with her. She made me the person I am today, for better or worse. Camden is Camden because of her - in more than 1 way. He's been asking a lot of questions about her lately. I think it's partly her trying to get through to him. But also he's getting close to 4 and I believe starting to understand more. I love when he asks about her. It hurts but it's a nice hurt. I'm glad he knows about her and who she is. He's been helping me make piles for the garage sale and get items for the silent auction. He's so funny b/c now a lot of stuff he finds he suggests we use it for one of these two things. So sweet. I will do a happy Camden post soon, especially since this one is so negative, but just felt the need today. Maybe because we spent the morning with some SMA families. It was great. They are great. But it also just brings up a lot of emotions. Obviously I deal with it though as I continue to help fight for SMA families. We will find a cure! I always say Grace chose August b/c it is SMA awareness month - she figured that was the best way to make people aware. Leave it to Grace :) I love you my beautiful Angel! Keep sending me those signs, I'll be watching!

There's no crying at Disney!

2011-06-25T23:09:00.000-05:00

I wish I could say that was because of Camden, but it was me. I was missing Grace. We didnt get to take her to Disney. She would have loved it. Not that the girl didn't get to travel. She went more places in 2 years than a lot of people do in 20. She went to Houston, Dallas, San Antonio, Salt Lake City, New York, Seattle, and San Diego. We were determined for her to experience as much as she could. And she did. Except Disney. Hopefully she was there with us today.
It probably didn't help that we went to another grief session today. It was good, it's just always tough. Met some more families. Keven went back in the afternoon for the last grief session. I forced Camden to nap. So glad I did! :)
I guess Grace was watching out for us. It started raining right after the last session ended. Right when it was about time to head to Disney. But by the time we got done talking to people, waiting for the bus and riding over there it stopped raining. Timing was practically perfect. I like to think Grace and the other SMA Angels had something to do with that. Wanted all the kids and families enjoy their evening :) But we walked in and a Grace wave hit me. It didn't help that we were watching Mickeys Dreams do come true musical thing. Singing all about love, keeping dreams in your heart alive, dreams do come true. Just added to the pain. I know how blessed we were/are. I know we had her with us longer than we were supposed to and a lot longer than a lot of other families. But it still sucks and hurts and is unfair!
Camden had a lot of fun. He met Mickey, Minnie and Buzz. He rode Buzz Lightyears ride, the race cars, the tea cups and Winnie the pooh. He did so well! He got scared a couple of times - when the mean witch came out in stage and when they were doing a night show and it was loud and dark. But he did well. As soon as we got off the bus at the hotel he said "that was fun! I saw Mickey and Minnie and buzz! I got to shoot burg. Mickeys castle was fun!". So I guess he enjoyed it ;). And yes, sorry to disappoint but it's Mickeys castle not Cinderellas. And Mickey and goofy and Donald and everyone lives there!
We ran into several families there. One we hadn't met before but I had to talk to them because their daughter reminded me so much of Grace. Strength wise. A lot of the same control and same size. She was cute. Her mom was very nice. I always feel badly though when I talk to other SMA parents and talk about Grace. I can only imagine what is going thru their head. I mean the stupid path I was sent down might someday be their path. I hope not but I am a reality of the disease. So I feel badly talking to them and the idea of children passing. I hope I don't upset them too much.
That was something interesting that came up in the grief. What do we say when we asked how many kids we have. This was a tricky one for me for awhile. Because a lot of times it makes the other person feel uncomfortable. Makes them sad or makes them feel sorry for me. But 2 things happened and it's not hard any more. One being that I got over how they felt. I'm not telling them to upset them. I'm not telling them for sympathy. I'm telling them because they asked an I do have a daughter. Now it doesn't always come up that she's passed. Just depends on how the conversation goes. The other thing being that one time when asked I said just Camden. And I felt so guilty about it for so long. Like I had betrayed her. So it's easy for me to say 2 kids!
Well this has been a very scattered post but all in all a good day. As long as there's no crying at Disney!

Up, down and all around

2011-06-24T22:31:00.000-05:00

What a roller coaster of days we've had. Good ones though. Thursday was good. Meetings in the AM with some good info and met some new people. Then my boys got here and that helped a lot. :) Thursday night was fun because it was our carnival with lots of junk food, games and of course Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Daisy. Camden did awesome with them and gave them hugs and high fives and had a lot of fun. Then walked around the Boardwalk some and visited with friends.
Today was a bit more emotional but good. They had a beautiful breakfast laid out near the pool and water. Then general session which was a lot of what I heard yesterday and then to a grief session. Hence the down. It was good though. It's always nice to be around other people that "get it". Not that we want other people to get it. Nobody should ever have to bury a child. It's just not right or fair. It's also nice because there were people there in all different stages of grief. Some that lost children over a decade ago, some a year ago and some a month ago. I was very impressed with that couple. For being here that is amazing to me. They got their sons diagnosis when he was 10 weeks old. He passed away at 13 weeks. That was a month ago. They hang even been able to absorb the shock and pain of the diagnosis before he was gone. I admire them greatly for being here. Lots of memories?
Crests and laughter were shared. Picking up Camden from the kids room helped. :)
Then we went back up as we headed to downtown Disney. Lots of shops and just cool stuff to see. We tried to eat at T-Rex restaurant - it's like Rainforest Cafe but prehistoric. Camden screamed on the way to the table though and couldn't stop crying because he was scared. So we left. He an Keven built a car. leven was a little bummed because he couldn't talk Camden out of Lightning McQueen. And we are too cheap to make it a remote control car. So he has to paidh around. They still had fun though.
Then we headed to Wpcot to hang out for a bit before our special dessert buffet and our special seats for the firework and laser show. Unfortunately that's when it decided to Rain. So we didn't make it around Epcot. All Camo wanted to see wa the big ball and we didn't. We wnt to the UK because it started pouring again and then ran in the rain to where they had moved our went. And missed the fireworks because of the rain. So Epcot was a bit of a bummer. Maybe tomorrow will go better. Although Camo did see Pooh and Tigher and hugged them both an Eskimo kisses. He said they were soft and liked them. :)
Tomorrow we have some more grief sessions and them hit a different park.
Sorry if there are typos - I'm typing on my phone and cAnt see everything I'm typing. We did meet another family that is stationed in England. They have a 4 year old that was recently diagnosed with type 3. She and Camden had a lot of dun together. He ha fun even though soaking wet. So far so good. Now ifthe rain will go over to Texas that would be great! People from here say they need the rain. Nah. They don't really. Not like we do. At least not until next Wednesday ;)

What was I thinking?!

2011-06-22T23:20:00.000-05:00

What was I thinking? Coming to Florida to the SMA conference. Actually, I know what I was thinking. I was thinking I get to see all these friends, no my family, that I haven't seen in years. I was thinking my SMA family that knew Grace will get to meet Camden. I can be more involved with FSMA and try to strengthen the Texas Chapter. I was thinking I can meet a bunch of people Ive only met online. A family vacation that lasts more than 2 days and not in the car for the majority of that. Camden can meet Buzz and Woody. Disneyworld. I was thinking the happiest place on earth!
But the issue is what I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking about how hard this would be. How emotional it will be. I wasn't thinking about seeing all these children zooming around in their chairs like Grace should be. How so many of them remind me of her because all children with SMA just have that special quality to them. I wasn't thinking about seeing kids that met Grace and are so grown up now. About reading and listening to all the research which is great but also so frustrating. And then trying to absorb all that while missing my girl. I wasn't thinking about how big of a hole would be here without my girl with me.
So maybe sometimes it's good not to think? I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I came. Tomorrow will be a full day of convention and it's going to be so wonderful and so hard. Why do it? I know a lot of people fade away after they lose their child. But I stay involved because we need a cure. No other family needs to feel the pain.
I know we will have a great time. And I know Grace will be here with us. I just hope she sends us some signs.
What was I thinking? I was thinking I love my daughter and my son and this trip is for both of ten!

Does it get easier...

2011-05-03T20:30:00.002-05:00

People ask sometimes if it gets easier..missing Grace that is...here are some random thoughts on that...Easier to cope...yes, it gets easier. I wouldn't use the word better, but easier. You never get over it and you shouldn't. It's your child, part of you. A piece of you is missing...gone forever. I like the saying "The heart is the only broken instrument that still works"...or something like that. So true. How can it break over and over and still go on pumping. Even days when you don't think you can move, get out of bed, open your eyes..there it is pumping away. I think of it as a hole in my heart. Somedays that hole is small and I think of her some and I smile and it's ok. Other days the hole engulfs my whole heart and she's all I can think about and have a day of tears and memories. I think about her every day. I miss her every day. Some days are harder than others. My friends/family have learned...all I have to say is I'm having a Grace moment or a Grace day and they understand. Slowly you start to smile again and more and laugh more and have a good time and you don't feel as guilty about it. It's of course extra large around holidays. Having Camden has helped because I can't feel sorry for myself or get engulfed in that huge hole all day long. He needs me. And I need him. But I still make time. I went by her grave the other day and had a good cry. I was pregnant with 5 of my friends at the same time - so the kids are around the same age. One of them especially we did a lot of stuff together and pictures regularly...so it hurts to see thier kids - I mean it's good, I love seeing them and love them all..but it's very bittersweet..she is missing from the picture - from the events...from life. Last year I almost lost it when the kindergardeners walked in for class b/c she woulda been in kinder. It helps sometimes to talk to other people that have lost kids. To know you're not alone. You're not completely crazy. Everything you feel is "normal". Love, pain, guilt, anger, relief, sadness, confusion, guilt, resentment, guilt, frustration...it's all ok and "normal" Someone told us that when people ask...and it's people that don't really want the real answer...or you don't feel like giving them the real answer...just answer FINE. I don't remember exactly what they all stand for, but what I remember and think of is Frazzled, Insane, Neurotic, Emotionally Exhausted (or even just exhausted) - FINE. So true. So in a long round about way...the short answer is yes, it gets easier. Never better and never goes away and it shouldn't. And at the same time nobody should have to feel what we feel. To lose what we have lost. Nobody.

Random collection of thoughts

2011-04-23T22:45:00.002-05:00

April...can't believe it's April. This year is flying by. Camden is amazing as usual! He loves baseball. That and Toy Story (1,2 or 3) occupy him pretty much 24/7. He is playing T-ball and already looks like a pro ;) So focused and excited. It was too cute the other day b/c we had practice right after school so I took his clothes to change into. We were walking to the room and he said he needed his baseball shoes. I told him I had them and he asked "at school?" Yup. His response? "Yay, woo hoo, awesome!" As he clapped his hands. Way too cute!!! Wish I had been taping it. He is doing great at school - always wanting to help and please his teachers. He can spell his name and is learning to write it. He also loves UT - and has been to a UT football game, UT basketball game and UT baseball game. He is a true blessing and I am thankful everyday for him!!!!
Keven is doing well. Started a new job at HP and liking it. He stays pretty busy between that and keeping up with Camden's t-ball.
One of my half time positions was eliminated so I currently have only a half time position. I'm not overly concerned about it although I guess I should be. I would love to work only half time so I could focus more on SMA stuff and maybe get caught up on everything around the house and stuff...And maybe have another little one around to take care of.
We are still trying to adopt. I'm so more than ready! I'm trying to trust what's meant to be will be...but it's hard. And I've always felt you have to try and help yourself - not just sit around and wait for stuff to happen. But I'm starting to wonder if that's what I'm supposed to do. Sit around and wait. I feel like I get signs but I'm not sure which way to read them...or if it's all in my imagination. I just don't know. I did get a sign from Grace on Tuesday. That was nice. I was at dinner with friends and had been there for about an hour...and I look over and right next to me is a sticker of Boots. I had looked over there several times during the evening and never noticed it. And there it was. After we had been talking about adoption and kids. I know it was a sign from her. Other signs I've gotten this week are mostly that I can't control and plan everything. I learned that with Grace. Guess I needed some reminding. There was a lot going on this week, a lot planned...and a lot that didn't go as planned. So, I know I can't control stuff...but does that mean to not try and plan stuff? Not to try and do anything? Just to let it all go? Or can I still try and do stuff but just remember that it's not up to me...I just don't know....What I do know is...something needs to change...I don't know which sign I'm supposed to read or follow or what I'm supposed to get from it or do with it...but something needs to change...

A New Year

2011-01-17T00:14:00.002-06:00

I sure don't stay on top of posting on this thing. I mean to...to put stories of Camden for Camden...a place for me to share and let out emotions...but I just never seem to. I'm missing my girl tonight though so felt the need to come here. I miss her every night of course but feeling it a lot tonight. Just miss her. Still have regrets....guilt....anger....jealousy....not understanding....but I do have happy memories and love her with all my heart and miss her like crazy! Camden is growing up wonderfully and knows exactly who she is. I know he doesn't understand it per se, but he knows who she is.
Camden is amazing. So smart. So funny. Very caring and helpful. We have truly been blessed with 2 amazing children. He still loves baseball and is all signed up for T-ball starting in March. See, then I get on here and can't remember all his great stories. His favorite songs right now are Bad Romance by Lady Gaga, I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas and then several Christmas songs - Rudolph, Santa Claus is coming to town, Jingle Bells...and as we've been listening to the music for my latest show at school he's really enjoying it too. He loves music - to sing, to dance, to play...He started going to school with me in November and is doing wonderfully there and enjoying it. Everyone knows who he is and he always has a smile on his face.
We are still working on adoption...or rather waiting on it...We have done all required things and just waiting to be matched with our child. Camden is going to be such a great big brother. He loves to help, especially other children.
As usual a pretty short post...just mostly missing my girl...I need to watch some video of her but I know it'll start a crying frenzy...so I have to be sure there's nothing else I need to do for several hours after before I watch.
Hope everyone's 2011 is off to a good start!

Strike 1

2010-11-13T15:54:00.002-06:00

I really need to do a nice, long update. More so I remember all the cute things Camden does, than any other reason. But here's a video of baseball - still his favorite sport. He can't wait to start T-ball in the spring!

Play Ball!

2010-08-02T10:11:00.003-05:00

We took Camden to his first MLB game and he loved it! We went to Houston and started at the Galleria mall. He made a baseball dog at build a bear, complete with Astros uniform and his voice recorded saying GO Astros! Dinner was at Rainforest Cafe. He enjoyed seeing all the animals and the music - not so sure about the thunderstorm they had in there. Loud noises don't agree with him. The next day was the baseball game. He loved it! Couldn't wait to see the field and see them "run fast". It wa Astros vs. Reds (Keven's team vs. my team) He especially liked when they hit a homerun because the train would move across the tracks and they put fireworks on the screen. We went to a Round Rock express game and they had fireworks at then end. Now he thinks every baseball game should have fireworks. We of course indulged him in ballpark food and the people around us were so nice. We bought him a gameball for a momento of the game. He can't wait to go back and hasn't stopped playing baseball since then. Not that he stopped very frequently before that. He loves to play and loves to run the bases - usually carrying the ball. :) He likes to run and "slide" into home. We plan to let him play T-ball in the spring, hard to believe he'll be old enough, and we'll see if he's still obsessed and wanting to.

His favorite song right now is Lady Gaga's Bad Romance. He calls it the Rah Rah song. He also likes I've gotta feeling - that's the goodnight song. He loves to dance and sing them. Oh, and sings any/every word to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle. He loves music!

School starts back soon and I'm going to really miss all the time I"ve been able to spend with him. I am determined to get home earlier this year than last and spend as much time with him as possible!

Just Keep Swimming...Just Keep Swimming

2010-07-24T00:29:00.002-05:00

That's how it's going here...we just keep swimming. World is turning. Life moves on. Some days you swim with the current - others against the current.

Camden is doing wonderfully. All he wants to do these days is watch or play baseball. He loves it! Has a pretty good arm on him too. He used to carry cars everywhere he went, now it's a ball and/or his glove. Never knew someone could have so much energy. He runs around constantly. Half the time there isn't a real reason - just runs through the house. He is so sweet and caring. He loves to play with his cousins, Sam and Ben, and loves to hug and kiss them. He likes to help take care of people and things. Very sweet. I can't believe he's almost 3. Goes so fast! He continues to amaze me and I love him so much!

Keven continues in his MBA program. He graduates in December and all of us can't wait!! He's worked so hard - and all while working full time - ready for the work to pay off. And ready to see him more than just in passing.

We are waiting, Keven more patiently than me, to adopt. We are just waiting. We've finished everything we need to and are waiting for the perfect match. We are adopting through the state so the wait could be awhile. I'm so ready for my family to grow so I am trying to be patient and trust that God has a plan.

Can't believe in less than a month it will have been 4 years since our Angel flew to Heaven. How I do miss her! How I feel like she's slipping away. I'm going to have to have a Grace video day and just watch videos and look at pics all day...and cry a lot...which would also call for a lot of junk food.

Until the next time...just keep swimming...

Round and Round

2010-02-23T20:56:00.004-06:00

Spinning, churning,
Spiraling, whirling,
Twisting, twirling
Round and Round and never stopping

Elation, depression
Exhiliration, Devestation,
Apprehension, Exultation
Round and round and never stopping

Crying, Screaming
Laughing, beaming
Aching, Breaking
Round and Round and never stopping

Interruption, Aggitation
Distraction, Frustration
Complication, consternation
Round and round and never stopping

Unending, everlasting
Eternal, surpassing
Complete yet broken
Round and round and never stopping...

So lucky!

2009-12-14T20:25:00.002-06:00

Why did it take winning a trip to realize how lucky I am? It's so true and I've taken so much of it for granted. Yes, we were lucky to win the trip - very lucky -and had lots of luck on the trip - good timing, good people, good weather, won some prizes...it was great! But I was lucky before that and never really thought I was.

I am so lucky to have a wonderful, loving, close family. Lucky to have a wonderful husband that loves me so much! Lucky to have amazing friends that I know I can always count on, and hope they know they can always count on me. Lucky to have 2 beautiful children - one watching over me and one to watch over. Lucky to have a job I enjoy and a house to live in, plenty of food and lots of stuff I don't need. I am lucky that Grace lived longer than she should have. Lucky to have learned so much from her. Lucky that Camden came into our lives.

I am truly lucky - also known as blessed and I'm just sorry it took winning a trip to make me realize how lucky I am!!

Time to Think

2009-12-12T17:38:00.002-06:00

I knew I was due for a good cry. Need one every so often. Probably why I don't like to stop and slow down. Probably why I keep so busy and just keep going. Then I don't have time to think, just to do. Maybe it's the Holidays too. Celebrating Jesus, friends, family....brings up memories of those we've lost. Probably doesn't help that I finally finished the book "Glimpses of Heaven" ...that I had been putting off for so long b/c I knew it would be hard. And it was hard. Good in parts - there were some nice stories in it...but still...brings up questions. It talks about what people say and do as they are dying. Grace didn't do those things. She was so young and couldn't say much...did she know what was happening? Did she feel loved and safe? Did she know we didn't want her to go? Was she welcomed into heaven and feel loved and safe there? Did she see the Angels come to get her? And if there really is reason and purpose for every persons life...why was her's so short? Did we really learn everything we were supposed to from her? Did we learn the lessons from her and her death that God wanted us to? I know we are different people now than we were before her. I know we have changed. And I know we loved her more than I thought possible. And I know as weird as it sounds, if she hadn't passed away we wouldn't have Camden. We would have a child, but not Camden...We have learned and done many things we never would have without her. Made friends we would never have met. But does that make the trade off worth it? Or any easier? And then...we have it so good compared to so many. So many have lost more than us...so why can't I accept that and be thankful for what we had and have. I shouldn't be upset because life is good. So many things I just don't understand. And I know we're not supposed to understand it all. It sure would be a lot easier if we did though. IF we had some of the answers. If Grace could have told us she knew...she knew what was going on...she knew she was loved...she knew she would be safe in Heaven. I do feel safer with her watching down over me...but wish I was watching over her like a mother should...

Camden's 2!

2009-11-01T21:18:00.005-06:00

All Saints Day. And Camden's birthday. Coincidence? I don't think so. It's hard to believe he's already 2. Really hard to believe! But I do think it's very special that his birthday is All Saints Day. The day we celebrate and remember those that have gone on before us. Those that we love and love us. I think it was all in God's and Grace's plan. All the puzzle pieces...Camden shouldn't have been born...there was no medical, scientific, mathematical reason he worked. But he was 1 of 3 embryos transferred on Grace's 3rd birthday, March 3rd. And then born on All Saints Day. Yes, I think it is all connected and meant to be.

And boy are we thankful. He is the most amazing and wonderful little boy in the world!!!! He is so smart and so happy. Quite the ham! He can make anyone smile any time. Talk about lighting up a room. I can't believe how much he has grown and changed in 2 years. I really need to start writing more and getting all his stories down. He definitely keeps us going and full of life.

I had hoped to post some fun stories of him but my mind hasn't caught up with the time change. I will have to share some later. But I did want to make sure and wish him a wonderful 2nd birthday and how blessed we are to have him in our lives!!!

Achey Breaky Heart

2009-07-14T14:52:00.003-05:00

Not sure why it has to hurt. But it does. I miss my girl. I love her so much. She's been gone longer than she was here but it hasn't helped the pain. Camden keeps us busy..worn out most of the time. He's wonderful and I love him so much. But nothing can replace my girl or fill the hole in my heart. I love you Grace Dyan!!!!

Camden is a hoot. We just took a weekend trip up to Oklahoma. He was in his full terrible twos mode. He did pretty well considering how much we were in the car, how hot it was, and how much we did. I have to give him credit for those. But it was definitely a "driving adventure" ;)
He's a hoot. I forgot all the stories I was going to share. Perhaps another time.

Hook Em!

Movin on up

2009-07-07T15:25:00.003-05:00

They are starting to transition Camden up to the next age group at school. He is doing so well! I know it's an age thing too, but he really is very bright. Keven has taught him that whenever he is given change he runs into our bedroom to the change jar and put it in. Very sweet. I turned my back on him the other day and when I turned back around he was sitting in his high chair - got up there all by himself. It didn't have the tray in it so he climed on up. The high chair has since been packed away. So then we have one of those booster seats that is strapped to our dining room chair. He climbed up in that one too! But the best part of it was that he was trying to buckle the lap belt around himself. Too cute!!! He helps the teacher at school sometimes because he does so well at listening and following directions. When he wants too. He definitely has selective hearing here at home. He still loves to dance any time he hears music. Yesterday he was singing to himself. That was the cutest and something new. He was just playing and singing his own little song. He likes to help me with the laundary - as long as it's not anything of his. I have to wash his clothes, blankets and bibs when he isn't home or is asleep. He recognizes Grace in pictures, very sweet. He says her name and tilts his head when he sees her. Of course it's not really her name but it's the same sound every time. Later this month we head to Oklahoma for a fundraiser with some friends. One of their sons has SMA Type I. We went last year and had a good time. Staying longer this time so we are excited. We are also driving this time...and hoping Camden will handle it alright. He doesn't like being in the car much - he can't move! We're taking a DVD but he's not big on TV. Something else that I am very thankful for. We went to cousin Giuliano's birthday party a couple of weeks ago. Big boys, lots of food and cake, and a swimming pool. Camden had a blast!

Til next time...take care!

Almost Half Way

2009-06-08T21:50:00.005-05:00

JUNE! I can't believe the year is almost half way over. And that I haven't posted anything on here in almost 3 months.

First topic is of course Camden, who continues to amaze us daily. His speech is improving since having the tubes put in his ears. He is making a lot more sounds and trying new words. There was a plug in one of his tubes at his follow up but tests showed it wasn't hurting his hearing. We go back next week for a follow up and see if we got that plug out. He is still pulling at his ears some so hopefully everything will check out well next week.

Smiles start and end Camden's day. Besides his sister, he is the happiest child I have ever seen. He really only gets cranky when he's tired - or wants something his way. I can't imagine where he gets that from ;) He is non stop fun and laughter all day. If he has a car or a ball he is ready to go. Although, he usually prefers to have 1 in each hand, and even more if he can juggle it. Good thing Boots is one of his nicknames because he is definitely quite the monkey. Nothing stops him. Whether he is climbing up, over, under, between...it doesn't slow him down. When I was pregnant with him we would joke about how much he moved and that he was going to move enough to make up for all the moving Grace couldn't do. He is certainly living up to that as he doesn't stop from the time he gets up until he goes to bed. And we are loving, exhaustedly, every minute of it!

Of course he's almost 2 so he has learned the word NO! He especially likes to use it when talking to the cat and dog. He is too funny! Still love the way he dances and he is discovering how to walk backwards. We recently got him a potty and are starting to introduce him to it and the idea of potty training. So far we've had results without the potty...on the driveway and the bathroom floor :) An even funnier story though...he got into one of those little tykes cars...he was turning the wheel and acting like he was driving...then he stopped, opened the door, leaned over and spit, then shut the door and started driving again. It was HILARIOUS!!! Think someones been watching daddy very closely.

He made his first trip to Sea World and had a blast! Can't wait to go back! Also the first trip to San Antonio zoo. It was hot and a lot of the animals were sleeping, but he seemed to have fun.

I could go on for days about him - so smart, cute, funny, sweet...oh and he loves to help clean up! Looks for trash just so he can throw it away. Likes to wipe the table when he's done eating. Oh and speaking of eating...he chooses fruit over french fries - this has been the only indicator that he might not be mine :) The do it myself attitude, the high frustration level, the love of sweets - those are all me to a T - but fruit before french fries? I just don't understand!

I was going to talk about Keven and I some too but as this has gotten pretty long so I'll skip us for today. We are well though - I have finished my 1st year back at teaching and Keven has started his 2 summer classes at school. Have a hot and happy summer!

In Like a Lion

2009-03-10T22:09:00.005-05:00

Is it March that's supposed to come in like a Lion? If not, well...it sure has been a whirlwind!

Camden had eartubes put in and his adenoids taken out on March 2nd. He was quite the trooper. It was so sad to see him crying so much! You know, that heartbreaking cry where there is just nothing you can do to make them stop. Poor kiddo. I did take 1 picture of him in the hospital bed...I figure he needed 1 since Grace has so many. He is such a nut!! He has learned to dance - or as we call it - happy feet - and to turn in circles. He will make faces and laugh for no apparent reason. He can make anyone smile! It's wonderful watching him learn and grow and explore. I love it!

Then March 3rd would have been Grace's 5th birthday! Keven had class that evening so I convinced some family, and extended family, to go out to the Oasis and honor her at sunset and send her some balloons. It was perfect. Perfect weather. Perfect company. Everything except that Grace wasn't there! That and on her cake they wrote Happy Birthday Angela Grace - instead of Angel Grace. Maegan has better photos on her blog than mine. Hard to believe she would be 5 - and starting kindergarten this fall! We miss her dearly, love her dearly and are thankful for the time we had with her.

March 6th I went to the dentist for the first time in over a year. That's not a big deal except I really liked the dentist. He was very nice, personable, and even sent a thank you note for joining the practice. The massaging dental chair and TV over the chair didn't hurt.

Then a full weekend and we're into week 2 of March. Man time is flying!! Next week is spring break though and for that I'm glad :)

Take my Breath Away

2009-02-26T21:53:00.002-06:00

So strange today. I walked outside from school - this afternoon - adn it was like the wind was knocked out of me. A feeling. A Grace moment. It was just so weird - how it came over me the way it did. I don't know if it was the weather, beautiful weather, and it was bringing back memories...or if she just wanted to say Hi...but it was the strangest feeling. A new feeling I had never had before. Love this picture of her. It's so funny. And those were some cheeks - people always think Camden has cheeks - check those out! :) She was 8 months old in that picture.

Camden is a hoot! We went bowling with mom and some people from her work...he was in no way shy or reserved. So cute! He definitely gets his patience and frustration level from me. I see that very quickly. It could be scary in the years to come ;)

The Amazing Chewbaca

2009-02-23T22:14:00.005-06:00

Can I just say I have the 2 two most amazing children ever! Camden had to go today and get molds made of his ears for his ear plugs. He did an awesome job!!! He was a bit fidgety but once she started he sat absolutely still. She put in a barrier and then squirted the silicon stuff in it and he just sat there. She was very impressed by him! His second ear he did get a bit more fidgety but was still awesome!! Grace would be so proud of him - after all the messing with and handling she had to go through - he did a good job!! He'll have the surgery next Monday, March 2nd. Right before big sis's 5th birthday.

Now this video clip - is his latest sound...reminds me of chewbaca. I don't know where he learned it or how he does it. Too funny!

Ear tubes here we come!

2009-02-16T21:39:00.002-06:00

Yep. It's official. We went to the doctor today. He has fluid in his years and significant hearing loss. We are assuming/hoping that once the tubes are in the hearing will be restored. That it is the fluid that is causing the problem. So I'm not crazy about his speech. It could very well be delayed b/c of his hearing loss b/c of the fluid. I am crazy, not denying that....But hopefully once the tubes are in he'll be able to hear and his speech will catch up. We know he'll be a talker - he babbles all the time - and he comes from a family of talkers, so... They will also be removing his adenoids. He has had problems with congestion ever since he was born. He breaths a lot through his mouth, and a hard breathing and snores sometimes at night. So, all that together means adenoids out. We're waiting for the scheduler to call and schedule but we are anxious to get it done so the poor boy can hear!! And just to get it over b/c I will be very anxious until it's all done and he's back in my arms :) That's the latest from here!

Flying By!

2009-02-14T21:30:00.002-06:00

Man oh man is this year just flying by!!! I can't believe it's the middle of February already!!

Let's see....Camden is on his 3rd ear infection since the end of December, so Monday we are off to the ENT. We'll see what happens. He also had pink eye this time around. Didn't slow him down much. :) He also finished his 1st round of swimming lessons. He wasn't very interested in trying to kick or blow bubbles in the water...but did like the girls in bathing suits. He is his daddy's son. He weighs in at close to 30 pounds and is the happiest most active child I've ever seen. We are so blessed!!

Keven has started back to school. He is taking 1 class this semester - Business Law. So far, so good. Lots of reading. He is also going to start training again for the Capital 10,000.

I am just working and taking care of the house. I'm in San Antonio right now because of the annual Music Educator convention. It as fun to come after so many years. Got some useful stuff and had a good time. Now it looks like the next 4-6 weeks are pretty busy. Fun, but busy. Hope everyone is doing well!

I did it!!

2009-01-26T22:18:00.002-06:00

I did it! I made it to the gym this morning for a 5:30 spin class. Crazy but true!!! I'm very excited and do hope it's just the beginning.

Camden is working on learning to feed himself with a spoon. We still have a ways to go :)

Ready for our cold weather!!!

Another ear infection?!

2009-01-23T20:47:00.004-06:00

Poor little boy! Another ear infection. I guess it's only number 3, but he just had one in December. Thursday night he just looked so sad and pitiful. He was acting like he's feeling better today but still running a fever. I guess it just seems like a lot since Grace was hardly ever sick. Of course I guess that's what daycare will get you - plus all the germs I bring home from school. He's a tough little guy!

Besides that though he is doing great and we have had a fun and busy month! We met JJ, Karie and Giuliano in San Marcos one weekend. We met Lee and Hannah in Waco one weekend. Hannah is so big and so smart and growing up so fast!!! We never see them often enough or long enough. They gave Camden a recliner for Christmas. He loves to climb up into and then point and grunt until you put the foot rest up, then down, then up, then....Went to a meeting with CPS about adoption. Mom and I went and saw Jesus Christ Superstar at the Long Center. We found Grace's Chair of Honor there. It's a chair with her name on the back in memory of her. Pretty cool and a good view. The performance was great!! I really liked the guy that played Judas - you should check out his site - http://www.delisco.com/

We've joined the YMCA and I've started Weight Watchers. We'll see. We are doing Biggest Loser at both my schools so that's a little bit of motivation too. Camden is supposed to start swimming lessons tomorrow morning, but we'll see how he's feeling. The 80 degree weather in January is a bit odd. We had our Kindergarten show this week at one of my schools - it was a Winter program all about snow and ice...and it was 75 degrees outside. Just doesn't really work.

Onward to the last week of January. And hopefully no more ear infections!

What a nut!

2009-01-07T21:30:00.004-06:00

My son is the nuttiest monkey around! He has been full of it lately. So much fun. He just laughs about everything and loves for you to chase after him. He's trying to figure out how to run and it's just too cute! He went back for a follow up at the doctor and checked out great. Ears and lungs good. And he got a flu shot. It's been kind of hard lately b/c he's reaching the age where he doesn't want us to leave. Plus with christmas vacation and him being sick he had been home a lot. So he cries when Keven drops him off in the morning and doesn't want me to leave in the morning. It's one of those touching but heart breaking things. He enjoyed some of my cheese fries on new years day. He's a hoot! Having so much fun with him!! He also gave himself a black eye and as it has healed it looks more and more like eyeshadow. He is not afraid of anything which scares me to death. He's so wonderful!

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T21:06:00.004-06:00

Happy New Year! 2009 is here - ready or not! :) I'm thinking...or maybe hoping...that if I put my resolutions on here I might be better at sticking to them. Guess we'll have to follow up next year to see, but for 2009:

Keep the same job and improve at it. The past couple of years have been sort of transitional. It'll be nice to stay put for awhile. Especially since I like Sommer so much!

Get healthy - eat better, exercise regularly, lose 30-40 pounds. Camden starts swim lessons this month! FUN!

Get somewhat caught up - work on videos, pictures and scrapbooks that are approximately 4 years behind - I won't stress myself out by saying I will get completely caught up but maybe up to 2007...

Fix the backyard - we have lots of holes to fill, fence to fix, hot tub to fix, shed to put up

To work harder at avoiding some of the 7 deadly sins - Envy, Gluttony, Anger, Greed. I would have to add resentment and bitterness to it. And whining. I have so much to be thankful for, am so blessed and have more than enough of everything so I need to be more thankful and less whiny.

I would like to be more competent on the piano for use at school.

Be a good mommy for Camden.

I'm sure there is more I can do but that's probably a good start. I ate my black eyed peas. I cleaned out the pantry and fridge for healthy, non expired food. The piles are off the table and the laundary is going so we're off to a good start.

1 More Night

2008-12-31T20:58:00.003-06:00

And technically 1 more second. That's just crazy that they're adding a second. It's weird to think how it all adds up and stuff. Crazy world. Anyways, we had a good day. We went to the firing range so I could shoot a few rounds. It wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. Maybe it was the gun, I don't know. Don't worry, no innocent (or even guilty) people or animals were harmed. Just paper targets. Although there were some people there practicing for their hunts...and they were some loud guns! Then we went to the Y - yes we actually joined the Y - and worked out. My legs are hurting now, so I must have done something right. Then I went to get fitted for some shoes that fit properly...my extra extra wide feet...I asked if he had platypus shoes...he said yeah, but he'd find me something nicer. Speaking of platypus did you know that the male platypus has a spur behind his rear feet that he can sting you with venom...enough to kill a dog...Crazy huh? I guess that's fair since they got the raw end of the looks department. Now we're home getting ready for the new year. Trying to get to a decent starting point for the year. I'm watching August Rush...which so far is good but it depresses me at the same time...her not knowing she has a son and all...hopefully it gets better...or has a happy ending. Speaking of sons though here's a clip of Camden on another of his favorite Christmas presents.

Can't believe it's almost 2009!

2008-12-29T18:14:00.005-06:00

We had a great Christmas! We all got more than we need or could ask for. SO spoiled. The best part was seeing all the family. Santa Davis did bring Camden 1 big gift - he really likes. I have a feeling we'll be spending a lot of time outside this spring. :) Now he's decided to ring in the new year with one last illness. Just some junky lungs and ear infections. He'll be fine, think he just wanted to squeeze in 1 last one this year :)

2008-12-25T08:48:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

2008-11-21T21:19:00.002-06:00

I saw a shooting star tonight, and it made me cry. I didn't know what to wish for. That is a good thing b/c that means I have so many wonderful things in my life. But it made me sad in 2 different ways. I didn't know what to wish for because for the longest time all I wished for was a cure for SMA and for Grace to do ok and be well. I of course still want a cure for SMA. Very important. But everything I can think of that I really want can't and/or most likely never will happen. So that made me sad. And at the same time I'm not sure if I couldn't think of anything b/c I knew it didn't matter. I knew it wouldn't do me any good b/c wishing a stars doesn't work. And that made me sad. That I've lost that belief, that innocence, that faith, the youth. It made me sad. It was a pretty shooting star though. It lasted a long time and was so bright.

Camden is doing wonderfully. Really getting around now. Still not sprouting teeth...1 top one is starting to pop through but the funny thing is it isn't the middle one. It's one of the side ones - one of his incisors. We've been calling him snaggletooth. We did have our first experience with real throw up - not just some spit up. No good. Think something just bugged his tummy b/c when he was done he was done. Wouldn't have been too bad except it was about 2 AM and he did it in his crib and then rolled around in it. I know, nice picture. But he's ok and we made it through that first experience.

Just some more pics

2008-11-10T21:03:00.003-06:00

Watch out world...he's on the move!

2008-11-10T20:30:00.004-06:00

Can you believe he's 1!!!! He had a great birthday party. He stayed happy the whole day and did a great job. Playing, laughing, eating...it was perfect with so many friends and family here! He also started walking the next day. He is so cute when he walks. More of a drunken stumble. Too too cute!

Blowing Kisses

2008-10-15T21:03:00.004-05:00

I haven't been able to capture Camden's cute wave on video yet. He sort of twists his wrist instead of waving with his hand or fingers. It's very cute! Everytime I turn on the camera though he of course stops. I was lucky enought to catch him blowing kisses...he just started this over the weekend..and has only done it a few times. I think he just had so much fun at Aunt Maegan's with Kaiden he felt the need to blow kisses. Or maybe it was pure joy brought on by the UT game. :) (Hopefully UT will keep their heads in the game) Too cute!

Patchwork Quilt

2008-10-14T20:56:00.005-05:00

I am definitely starting to feel like a patchwork quilt. :) I had 2 more sections of skin removed today. I had 2 moles removed a few weeks ago and they were both abnormal, so I had to go back today to have more skin removed to make sure they got all the abnormal cells. That makes 5 biopsies with the results of 1 fine, 3 abnormal and 1 melanoma - the last 4 all requiring a 2nd cut and stitches. Boy oh boy. I am glad they have been relatively small patches and that they can just cut them out and it's ok. I am very thankful for that. Wondering if they could just do an all over skin peel :)

I was finding a picture of Grace for an upcoming SMA fundraiser...came across one that made me think of Camden. Do you think they're related? :) And there's about an 8 month age difference between them in these.

Growing Like a Weed

2008-10-12T09:26:00.002-05:00

I can't believe Camden is almost 1!!! And he's growing up so fast! He got his first haircut yesterday. He looks more and more like a little boy and less like a baby. He did a very good job at the barber. Keven wanted to take him to this place down on Congress - Avenue Barbershop..or something like that. It's been there since 1933 and it's basically the same. It was pretty neat. I think he did such a good job b/c he was to tired to care :) Then he had his fist lollipop after that. I had forgotten how much Grace loved lollipops. But now Camden does too.

He also has started waving good bye and blowing kisses. He doesn't always do it consistently but he's getting better. And his wave is so cute! He kind of twists his hand around instead of going up and down. I have to get it on video. And he took 2 steps. Didn't get too far but it is a start. I just can't believe how quickly time is flying.

We also got to go hang out with Kaiden and Kase yesterday. Camden had a lot of fun with Kaiden. He loves to play. One of his favorite things to do is go up and down the stairs, with me right beside him of course, but he likes to come down the stairs head first. He's a hoot!

Sherry had the triplets. They are all healthy and good. YEAH!!! I haven't been able to go see them yet...I'm battling a sinus infection or allergies or something..not going to chance that with them.

Not much else going on besides the usual. Looking forward to Monday off as we have a 3 day weekend, although I'll probably go do some work at school for a bit anyways. But that's ok. Hope all is well with everyone!

October Really?

2008-10-07T08:55:00.002-05:00

So, I heard somewhere that people that spend time each day journaling or blogging are all around healthier and happier. And since we should believe anything we read or hear, especially on the internet, I thought I'd try blogging some more.

Things are ok here. I'm teaching full time now - between 2 schools. Camden is growing like a weed and has taken 1 step...we're waiting for the 2nd. He's home today with the bug they've been passing around the daycare. Keven is working his tail off between work and grad school. We hope to see him in 2010 when he graduates :)

I am tired though. Of life in general. We have it good. I know that. We have so many wonderful things. I know that. I am very thankful. I can not complain. But I'm worn out. My heart is tired of hurting for so many families and children. For my own child and family. I'm tired of feeling like I'm going 100 mph and not getting anywhere. I'm tired of checking my email and being afraid of emails from friends and their children being sick. I'm tired of money controlling everything we do or can do or can't do. I'm tired of the what ifs and I should haves. I'm just tired. But I do love Camden's smile and laugh. Those make everything else just disappear. Just go away. Just not matter at all. I can't believe he's almost 1!!!! He is such a miracle and a blessing.

So many prayers for so many people!! Tambryn, who is very sick needing lots of prayers! Dani who is doing better but still needs good thoughts. Kyle, that he doesn't get sick too. Sherry - she's so close to delivering those triplets, just hang in there and get those babies here safely. My other friend prego with twins for a healthy pregnancy. For all the other kiddos and families that are sick or in need of prayers. If you need something to do on October 25 check out http://oddsonacure.com/ Prayers for all!

Back to School

2008-09-05T19:30:00.004-05:00

Man, even just blogging I can't keep up with it. Let me see if I can remember stuff

Grace's Angel day was very nice. My family all came over for the afternoon, we looked at pictures of Grace, talked about her, played with Camden and just hung out. Aunt Rachael was wonderful enough to organize Grace's cabinet for the 2nd time. We then went to dinner where some other extended family members joined us - and we of course had mashed potatoes. When we went to the cemetery the weather was perfect. I think it was the first day all summer it wasn't 100 degrees. There was a nice breeze and her balloons flew high. We all had cake and Camden smushed his into the ground - I like to think sharing with Grace. :)

Keven volunteered at the MDA telethon this week. Camden and I stopped by to see everyone but between sleep and runny nose we didn't stay long. It was good to see people again though.

I finished anatomy with an A. YEAH!! I decided not to take a class at ACC this fall. Starting a new job and Keven taking 2 classes...something had to give. I'm going to put nursing on hold for awhile. Teaching is great for a family and I still want to expand mine. I am hoping to volunteer at the children's hospital and see if that helps my desire to be a nurse. I wanted to do it more for the support aspect of it anyways, so we shall see. I am not at the point to say I will never do it but it's on hold and only time will tell.

Keven has started his next 2 classes. Well, he's only been to 1 so far b/c the other is a Monday night class so with Labor day...He ran in the Human Race last weekend - a 10K - and ran the whole way without stopping. I am very proud of him and impressed. Someday I'll get off my butt so I can get my butt off.

School has started. I am teaching elementary music part time. I work a week then have a week off. I like that schedule. I will be subbing on my weeks off to help supplement the income. Hopefully since my school is brand new it will continue to grow and my position will turn to a full time position.

Camden is still as wonderful as always. He's actually been under the weather the last week - either allergies or teeting or sinus...but just lots of congestion and hard time sleeping. He's been doing a really good job of staying in a good mood even though. He is 10 months old now and close to walking. He is cruising everywhere and can even stand for just a moment without holding onto anything. I think he'll be walking by his birthday. That'll be good b/c then I'll have to move more and faster to catch him. He lights up any time he sees Grace's picture and that just makes me so happy. Makes me sad too, but so happy. We are enjoying every day with him. I am hoping to get his picture page updated this weekend...I'll let you know when I do.

2 Years Tomorrow

2008-08-16T22:07:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow. 2 years. Unreal. Figured I better go ahead and type something now since there is no telling what I will think/feel tomorrow. There really isn't much to say. Nothing that hasn't been said. I love her like crazy. I miss her like crazy. I do go longer in between cries and breakdowns...but not much else has changed. I still have feelings of guilt, of anger, of sadness, of unfairness. So many feelings that never end. I still remember this week 2 years ago. It's the week/day I remember most out of all of them. That makes me sad. I wish I remembered other days as well. It's very hard to believe it's been 2 years since I held her...heard her voice...smelled her...kissed her. So hard to believe. Unfair!!! To her. To us. To Camden who will never meet his big sister. He'll know her - we talk about her all the time - but won't have her here with him. She is part of him though. He is so happy and so content - just like her - I believe it is part of her in him. He makes life better - his smile, his needs and wants. But it doesn't make her not being here any better. I hope she is never forgotten - by anyone that ever met her. She was an Amazing person and it's just not right or fair. I don't think it was her time. I think she had more ahead of her. Although Camden would not be here if she still were...so maybe she was opening the door for him. Who knows...I love you Grace. I always have and I always will. You are my strength and my weakness. My heart and my soul. I love you dearly and you affected me more in your short life than anyone or anything else ever has (and I would be willing to bet ever will). I love you sunshine and miss you so much. I don't think I can say that enough. Love you and Miss you.

Camden's 9 Months Old

2008-08-10T22:26:00.003-05:00

This is just a copy of the email I sent updating after Camdens 9 month checkup on August 5th.

Camden had his 9 month well check today! He woke up with a fever though, so it was good timing. He has a sinus infection and will start antibiotics today. Besides that he is perfect. I can’t believe he’s 9 months!! Almost a year old! That means I haven’t lost a pound in 9 months…no good…course I haven’t worked very hard at it. Anyways… He weighed 22 pounds (75-90 percentile), with his height still in the 50 percentile. J He’s so cute and chunky. He is still spitting up way too much so after he finishes the antibiotic he will have an upper GI to make sure everything is ok. I am willing to admit that I am paranoid and over protective and there may be absolutely nothing wrong with him. I hope that is the truth. But I will also say better safe than sorry. So we’ll do the upper GI. He is getting into everything. Crawling like crazy, pulling up, and so wants to walk. He will walk while you hold his hands but not willing to let go yet. That’s ok. But I’d be surprised if he’s not walking by his birthday. We’ll see. No rush. Just so much fun. His favorite activity is to push things around the floor and go after them. Balls, toys, diapers, anything he can push or toss and crawl after. I’ll try and get a video uploaded to my blog of him doing this. It’s hilarious. And so nice that he can entertain himself. It’s so much fun to watch him as he learns about things and figures out how things work…the wonder and amazement of children and learning things for the first time. Wish we could remember that and hold on to that. Other exciting news is that on August 18th he will graduate from the baby room at school into the Toddler 1 room. J They get to go outside to the playground, and have circle time and centers. That will be exciting! He’s going to love it! He is great!!! We haven’t been swimming much this summer. With my stitches and the HEAT…haven’t done it much. The few times we have though he loves the water. Can’t wait to spend some more time in the water.

Grace – August is SMA Awareness month. I still say that’s why she passed this month…to help with awareness…Still ironic that the date we went in for her bloodwork and MRI was August 17th, 2004…passing on August 17th, 2006…ironic. Can’t believe it’s almost been 2 years. Sometimes it all seems like a dream. Sometimes all too real. I can remember that day like yesterday. Wish I could remember all her other days as clearly. Sure do miss her. Along with SMA awareness month, the 2nd Saturday of the month, which is this Saturday the 9th, is candle lighting day. At sunset people light candles in memory of our Angels and in honor of those still in the battle. If you think of it please light a candle this Saturday for all our Angels (SMA and Angels for other reasons)

I am doing ok. My neck is healing nicely. Have about a 3 ½ inch scar but it’ll shrink some more and will hide nicely in my wrinkles as I age. J They got clear margins on the surrounding tissue so that is all good. Last week they took a small patch from my shoulder – about 2 inches long – it was just abnormal tissue but they went ahead and took it. I will get the stitches out August 11. Still in my anatomy class and it’s going pretty well. My last class is actually next Tuesday (12th) which is the 1st day I start back to work. Good timing I guess. I am only taking 1 class this fall as I am not sure what my schedule will look like. I will be teaching half time – a week on and a week off. Sounded perfect…until we realized I need to work full time. So I’ll be looking for another PT job which will be interesting since I need it to be a week on and a week off. But I’m not worried. Things always have a way of working themselves out. I did just get a new washer and dryer – that’s exciting. I guess Keven got them too, but since I do the laundary… Our washer broke..shocking since it was so cheap and all (really it was – a freeby with the house)…but I’m kind of scared of my new ones b/c I think they’re smarter than me. I also got my hair chopped off. I cut it and donated it to Locks of Love…but she did do it a bit shorter than I wanted so it feels really weird.

Keven is doing great. He has finished his first MBA class. Last week was his last class day. Now he has a few weeks off before the fall semester starts and he takes 2 classes. He will be off to Colorado next week for a vacation. He leaves the day I start back to work. Yes, I’m jealous. At least one of us gets a vacation though I guess. He has also become quite the runner. He has been doing weekly trainings and is starting to go a few times a week. He has participated in two 5Ks and will be doing a 10K at the end of the month. I am very impressed by him!! He is however losing a battle with our toilet. Anyone have any plumbing ideas? He’s replaced the whole thing in the tank…still not right….boy it’s frustrating. He also got to paint the garage door and power wash the sidewalk after some punk kids wrote on them in marker. Sheesh!!! We didn’t get the worst though – they wrote on the hood of the car across the street. School needs to start! But he is doing well and loving that Camden is getting so interactive and fun to play with.

Congratulations to my friend Maegan who had her 2nd little boy today. YEAH!!!! Prayers for all those in need – for joy, comfort and concerns. Including my friend prego with triplets who was put on bed rest…she still has about 12 weeks to go…so a long way of bed rest. And all the other prego ladies I know. Sending hugs and love to all and hope everyone is doing well.

Home, Hair and HELLo August

2008-07-31T22:33:00.007-05:00

August is here. Well, in a little over an hour. Hard to believe. Camden is gearing up for football season - ready to cheer on the Longhorns with his big sister! He'll be 9 months old tomorrow!

Home - I forgot to mention that our house was written all over. Some kid wrote on our sidewalk, windows and garage door. How nice. Thankfully Keven was able to clean most of it and paint the garage door. They also wrote on the hood of our neighbor's car and on a house around the corner - including on their siding. Sheesh!!

Hair - I chopped my hair off. Not entirely on purpose. I did want to cut it and wanted to cut enough to donate to Locks of Love...but the lady went even shorter than that! I feel really weird without it. My face is too round and pudgy for short hair. At least it grows pretty quickly and will go to a good cause. I was hoping it would help my headaches, but no so luck yet.

HELLo August...because August is not one of my favorite months. Never has been. Probably never will be. For one it's just way to HOT!! And if you want to go back really far - we moved from Kentucky to Texas in August. I am thankful for the move now, but back then, in 4th grade, it was the worst thing ever!! August means school is starting up, so back to work. And of course Grace's Angel Day. So...here we shall start August. It does start off well though..Camden turns 9 months, our new washer/dryer are being delievered Friday, one of my best friends is having her 2nd little boy on Tuesday, we get to go to a birthday party for another friend we haven't seen in a long time and then another friend will be having her 1st born towards the end of the month. So we will try and focus on the positive and not on the August part.
>

Just a funny picture of my boy. He's such a
good eater - can't imagine where he gets it from ;)

Cruising through July

2008-07-30T11:52:00.009-05:00

The summer is just flying by. Camden is almost walking. It's crazy. One day he figures out how to pull up and the next day you can't stop him. He is progressing so quickly now. He has learned to pull up - and along with that how to fall down. We have had our first bloody lip but we all survived it. He likes to hold your hands and walk but hasn't been brave enough to let go yet. I expect it any day though. He is so ready to take off. He has become very good at crawling and half the time puts a foot down like he's just going to stand up and start walking instead. One of his favorite games is to push/toss balls around and crawl after them. Of course he'll use whatever he has as he demonstrated at the store the other day as he dug in the diaper bag, found a diaper and started shoving it around the floor. :) He doesn't like to nap much because there is so much to see and do. So, sometimes he just plays until he passes out. I literally put him down 2 times for a nap, he would not sleep, so I took him out, set him in the middle of the living room and...you can see what happened. :) He is still spitting up non stop but has his 9 month check up next week so we shall see then.

I am doing well. I had a small section on the back
of my shoulder removed yesterday so that's a bit sore but ok. My anatomy class is almost done - 2 more weeks, only 1 test left. I have been debating whether to stay at ACC and get my ADN or to attend UT and get a Masters with an RN. I keep going back and forth on it but don't need a decision right now.

Keven's last class is Thursday. Then he will have officially completed his first MBA class. He is signed up for 2 more this fall. He has been running more and more and enjoying 5Ks. Our latest one was the Bat Run and we watched the bats from the Congress bridge afterwards. His next run will be The Human Race which is a 10K. He has really been impressing me!

Grace has been on my mind a lot lately as her 2 year Angel Day is coming up. But, I've been keeping her busy with all my friends that are pregnant - I've asked her to help watch over them all. :) Camden smiles at her pictures and I know she loves him dearly.

Hope everyone is doing well and staying somewhat cool!

2008-07-09T21:09:00.002-05:00

Wellp...we're making it through July. Camden was all decked out for the 4th of July festivities. I was a bum though so we didn't do much. Next year we plan to make a day of it and I will try not to be a bum. Look how big he is sitting in his chair his Jammy gave him.

I had my stitches removed this week. Nice to have them out. Weird to still not be able to turn my neck all the way like I used to. I mean it makes sense because they took a chunk of skin out and pulled it together. Of course it's not going to turn as easily. Just weird. It's sensitive but doesn't really hurt - except if Camden accidentally hits it. I go back at the end of the month to have the section on my back removed and to check any others out.

My anatomy class was going well up to this week. I have been working really hard and maintaining an A. Unfortunately I have a test tomorrow that I am not at all prepared for. Only myself to blame. I've just been in such a funk lately...can't seem to get out of it. Oh well...hopefully I'll do ok on the test...we'll see.

Keven's class is going well. He is also maintaining an A. He is as good at procrastinating as I am. :) But he pulls it off. This weekend we are going to attempt another 5K. I don't think I've walked any since the last one...someday...someday...

Not much else going on here. Camden is doing great. He's really crawling well now. He's just going to be an army crawler. He's good at it! He wants to walk. He finally got the whole idea of putting one foot in front of the other. He likes to stand and try and walk and to see everything that is going on. He hasn't pulled himself up yet, but he has gotten from a crawling position to a sitting position. He's so amazing!! Of course with a big sister like he has what else would he be. :) Enjoy his walking video below.

July already?!

2008-07-01T22:35:00.007-05:00

I can not believe it is already July. Camden is 8 months old today! We practiced cake eating to get ready for his big 1st birthday. He stuck his hand right in the cake...and then right in his hair. He did that several times - as if trying to use the icing as gel. He's really starting to get around. He still isn't in a complete crawl yet but he's fast for his tummy crawl. And he loves to stand up. He isn't pulling up yet but likes to hold your hands and stand. The concept of putting one foot in front of the other to walk is also slowly coming to him. Too cute!

We survived our first Keep Austin Weird 5K. It really wasn't as bad as I feared. As out of shape as I am I thought I would surely pass out. I didn't - definitely need to keep walking and get healthier, but I made it. Keven did a great job and ran a lot of it. He's been working hard to get better at running. Our next attempt will probably be the Bat Run - you do the 5K and then watch all the bats fly out from under the bridge. I think that would be really cool!

I finally took Grace her 4th of July decorations. At least I got them out there before the 4th. They're hard to see in the picture but there are RWB star sprays in the 2 vases and a a RWB star garland around her stone. I like to decorate for the holidays...makes me feel better for some odd reason.

I'm excited about this weekend because our San Antonio family is coming up. It's always so good to see them!

Sure feels like more has been going on around here but I can't seem to think of anything. Been to a couple of baby showers and have several more in the next few months. Lots of bellies around. School...house cleaning....following Camden around and picking up stuff before he gets it - my way of baby proofing...dermatologist frequently...nothing too exciting. Hope everyone has a great week and a safe 4th of July!!

Rambling to My Girl

2008-06-26T22:13:00.004-05:00

Grace....it's just easier to write as if I'm talking to you. I got my neck all cut and stitched. Wasn't too bad. I can't really turn my head too much, but it doesn't hurt much. So, that's good. It was scary having them cut and pull on my neck, so close to arteries and veins and all. Only 11 more days until I get the stitches out. Really it's just one long stitch - but he said it was equal to about 20 small stitches. It feels weird though when they pull one long one out - that's how it was with your c-section. Strange feeling.

Marmee and Avus said you visited them on their trip to Florida. That was very thoughtful of you. She said they went to a butterfly house and that a little blond haired blue eyed girl ran up and gave her a hug. I know it was you. Thank you.

Your brother is really getting around now. He's still not completely crawling up off the floor and stuff but he is getting around just the same. It's a whole new challenge and we are loving every minute of it. He is very determined, very strong and so happy and sweet.

You have been on my mind so much lately. Not that that is very different than usual...but just really thinking about you and missing you. I think my anatomy class has something to do with it. Talking about things that you went through or or affected you...the fact that you're the reason I'm in the class...I'm doing alright in the class. It's hard, but interesting. I do wish you would send me a sign that I'm doing the right thing. I just wonder often if I am. What if I can't handle being a nurse? Not jus the blood, guts, etc..., but also the emotional part of it. Wish you were here to help me through it all. You have made me who I am and I love you dearly! I am so thankful for you and for all the people you have brought into my life. Just wish you were still here too. I want my cake and to eat it too - especially since I know you'd help me eat it :) I love you little girl. I love your brother. I hope he sees you and knows you. Thanks for watching over all of us.

Camden is learning to crawl

2008-06-20T09:16:00.008-05:00

Camden is learning to crawl. (Don't mind Judge Judy in the background) We are enjoying watching him so much. It's bittersweet as it was something Grace never did. But he's strong enough to it for her too. No obstacles stand in his way. I'm sure she is very proud of him and wishing she were here to play with him. He is very determined and trying so hard. It's so much fun!!! He is very strong, but we just say what do you expect when you genetically engineer your child. ;) Just kidding! The dogs aren't sure what to think - doesn't seem to phase them. They didn't know Grace. Emily, the cat, however did know Grace...and has been unpleasanlty suprised at how strong Camden is and that he can come after her. :) Keven and I joke a lot that Emily is our constant. If something happens to her...who knows what. But I got her without Keven's approval and she is the one thing that has remained the same through our marriage. Strange but true. I know Keven has a soft spot for her now whether he will admit it or not. I am suprised though that Camden has not coughed up a fur ball yet - as much animal hair is around here and that he grabs with his hand. I really need to clean the carpets....some day. Happy Summer to everyone - I know it's already felt like it but since it officially starts this weekend and we have the longest day of the year...stay cool!

Where does it come from

2008-06-19T11:42:00.002-05:00

And where does it go? Don't worry, not talking about money this time. Talking about motivation. I used to be able to self motivate...to kick butt and get things done. Not so much any more. So I had it and now it's gone. So where did it go? And where did it come from originally so I can get it back? I know what I need to do...I feel bad b/c I don't do it...but then that just makes me even more down and not doing it. So, where is my motivation? Did that sound like an actor? Sorry. I just know I need to eat better and exercise - for health reasons, not even vanity (although it won't hurt) But I can't get off my big ol butt and do it. I need to study more for class. But I keep procrastinating. I need to clean the carpets now that the boy is scooting around on them...but nope. So does anyone have some motivation I can get from them?

Grace has been on my mind a lot. Nothing new. Just miss her. Wish I had pulled over. Used a pulse ox. Bought a vest. So many things. Just miss her like crazy!!! Camden would be having so much fun with her.

He's really starting to get around. Still not an official crawl - more like pulling/dragging - but it gets him around. I'll share a video clip once I get it uploaded. Again...motivation. He's wonderful!

Not much really going on. Just trying to find motivation...to end the awful cycle of not doing something, feeling bad about not doing it, getting down about it then continuing to not do it...Sheesh. Circles are rough!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

I can't complain

2008-06-13T11:25:00.004-05:00

Before anything else - Camden crawled forward!! Not far, and more like a belly crawl, but he went straight forward!!! So excited!!!

I really can't complain. I know my last entry was a little bit on the complaining side...and I really have no right. I am so lucky and blessed...I have so many friends and family....I have a nice, although dirty, house...lots of stuff that we don't need...a daughter for 2 1/2 years on earth which was longer than expected and a beautiful healthy son...and a great husband. I want for nothing - well nothing I need. So I really can't complain. And I am feeling better about the money situation. We weren't/aren't spending crazy...we just don't make enough. The pay cut I took from going from teacher to paraprofessional...quite a chunk. We had been lucky with money showing up in the form of the house being redone and tax stuff. So, I feel better about that. So, I really can't complain....but...

I just don't really understand. Just when you think you get a handle on something or things start settling down...along comes a spider. I have to say I think I've done pretty well the past few years being the natural pessimist that I am. So is it all a test? Or a preparation? Or just random. I think I'll go with the random. That's easier to deal with in it's own way. Oh, all the ranting, sorry...my biopsy did show cancer - melanoma. And again, I know that's nothing compared to people with cancers that involve radiation and chemo and all that...or people that lose limbs in the military...I know it's nothing. But when does the straw the breaks the camels back show up? Hopefully no time soon.

I don't want to end on a negative. I have too much to be thankful for. And I am - for everyone and everything I have. I am so blessed. Just having a hard time - especially with it on top of PMS. What a note to end on :)

If trees would grow...

2008-06-12T11:55:00.002-05:00

Money. Wouldn't it be nice if money did grow on trees? I don't know where it all goes. This month may be to weddings, baby showers, birthdays and Father's Day...but seriously!! I'm thinking maybe it does grow on trees...but between the heat wave and lack of rain down here, and all the tornados up north they don't have a chance. I would definitely plant plenty of them, and water them, and share the wealth.

Thank goodness Camden's smiles and laughs are free. They make it all worthwhile. Maybe I could try bottling and selling those - they are priceless. And it would spread joy to many. If only...

And how do you get self discipline and motivation? I used to have it. Not so much lately. Tons of stuff I would like to do and some of which I need to do...but if it doesn't matter in the end then why waste the time and energy? That goes for diet, exercise and stuff around the house. It all just seems like such an endless circle and in the middle of it all I still don't have my girl with me or any money. Guess that's what they call the rat race. Always running but never getting anywhere...I just don't know.

Trying something new...

2008-06-10T23:37:00.000-05:00

Blogging that is. I write somewhat frequently on Grace's updates on her webpage...but when I write there I write as though I'm talking to her. At least most of the time. So it just comes out. Here, writing in first person...may be a little harder. So if these blogs jump around as far as point of view...I apologize.

Things are pretty calm right now around here. Keven has started his MBA program and is maintaing a 4.0 in his class. I have started anatomy and had my first test this evening. I feel ok about it, but until I see my grade.....

We've both traded in our gas guzzlers for smaller, better gas mileage cars. Unfortunately we both lost money on the deals since we owed more than we could get for them...but it will balance out eventually with the amount we save in gas. Plus we lost a lot of miles - we both got used cars but with low mileage...our other 2 were getting on up there.

Olive is our newest member of the family...our Papillon puppy. She's sweet and we, or at least I, am really enjoying having her.

Camden is amazing. He is getting so big!!! He is very close to crawling. He can get on all fours and then rocks. He is trying very hard. He has one tooth and a second one close to popping through - part of it already has.

Grace is still with us everyday. I feel I am losing her more and more but think about her all the time. I took a pinwheel out to her the other day and there was a gorgeous sunset. I think Camden is starting to recognize her, as he smiles at her pictures. We talk about her a lot. We miss her so much though. I can't believe it's been almost 2 years. Unreal. Unfair. Unbelievable. I sure do love her!!

That's about the excitement around her. Keeping so many in our hearts, minds and prayers!